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  • Writer's picturestamatelospsychologist

Why are we attached to people who are not available/ suitable?

Updated: Dec 15, 2022

People for many reasons, some of which date back to childhood, do not want the person they can have, but they passionately want the person they can not have. 1) The first of the factors that lead addictive behavior to an unavailable person is when we idealize the one who rejects us, this perception makes us feel that with him / her everything would be perfect, if we managed to be together, in idyllic dreams we would conquer the happiness and love that we always sought in our childhood but did not have. As a result, it seems normal for this exquisite goal of conquering or re-approaching the other person to give us existential meaning. 2) In a different case, we believe, that we have many disadvantages as human beings, at the same time that the image of desire is so unique and beautiful, which will fill our gaps, will make us complete and mentally calm. The possibility of having it, if we try hard enough, makes us try even harder to conquer it, since there is a suspicion of hope of our own effort, through our thoughts, our feelings and our behaviors.

3) An important variable in the above process is the beliefs that are inherent in each of us, as components that strengthen this attachment to the person we have lost or whom we do not have. For example, the belief that "I can not be happy without the acceptance of the person I am claiming", as well as the belief that "life is not worth living without the love of that person" create fertile ground for attachment to the person who is inaccessible or unavailable. These beliefs, of course, can be altered by appropriate psychotherapy techniques.

4) Regarding the motives of resistance to detachment from the rejecting person, they are related to the denial and doubt of our "detachment" from lust. This resistance to change occurs because otherwise we will lose several "advantages" that attachment offers us. The motivations for resisting change and detachment from the heavy battle of conquest, have to do with the identity that the conquest process gives to someone meaning and identity. In other words, the identity of the "hunter" who strives for something better in his life, as well as the identity of the warrior to have what he can not, consolidate the dysfunctional anxiety of conquering or re-approaching the person we do not have and who usually We will not have. Another equally important resistance to detachment, is the process of rejecting the desire and the difficulty of finding another person who will not be so distant or unavailable. That is, the actual real effort that will be required to establish a new meaningful and functional relationship with an available partner, who may unconsciously fear us more than the desire that is almost elusive, seems more difficult than maintaining the status quo, which is now familiar and let it keep us in suspense. Thus, it is better to stick to this familiar situation with the positives we have seen it offer, than the sincere and genuine love of two people who consciously choose each other. 5) Finally, in the deprivation of the unavailable person, there are childish wounds that gush, which are thirsty to be heard and healed through the conquest of the face. The intensity of the deprivation feelings projected on the unavailable person is cataclysmic, reflecting the absent parents who did not adequately care for the child's fundamental needs for love, security, self-worth, self-love, and self-belief. In this difficult storm, psychotherapy is considered devoted, with the aim of protecting the dignity, self-respect, and self-esteem of the sufferer.


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